Posts tagged comedy

George Osborne will announce plans to pay lower salaries to Members of Parliament in poorer parts of the country in his budget next week. The chancellor will argue that MPs pay should mimic the private sector and be more reflective of local economies.

Brendan Barber, the TUC general secretary, said the move would ‘suck demand out of local economies, increase joblessness and worsen the North-South divide’. But George Osborne defended the initiative saying that Parliament should lead the way in setting competitive pay levels. ‘In any case,’ he added, ‘all the poor bits have Labour MPs, so it’s win-win.’

From here. Spot on, Newsbiscuit. Why not flexibly reduce the minimum wage in areas with more unemployment? Why not legalise murder in over-populated areas?

Doctors’ leaders remained defiant last following criticism of their hastily-arranged ‘emergency political coup’ by MPs, as they aim to fundamentally change the way politics is performed in this country.

Chair of the Royal College of GPs, Dr Clare Gerada, said, ‘Following decades of farcical expenses claims and wasteful spending on projects such as the Olympics and Trident, everyone agrees we need change. That is why we are overthrowing the government.’

Responding to reminders that when elected chair she promised an end to ‘pointless, top-down reorganisations of the government’, she said, ‘Listen. our plans will streamline the over-complicated existing system in which we have the House of Commons, the House of Lords and the Queen.’

‘We will merge the two houses.  We will then add in Government Commissioning Boards, Well-Being Boards and Political Commissioning Groups. Got it? Simple.’

‘We will then, of course, add a regulator to ensure they all have to compete to rule the same members of public.’

Asked why there were no politicians invited to the the coup, Dr Gerada pointed out her orthopaedic colleague Mr Smythington-Rimley.

‘Rimmers was a student politician. He was on the Medical Society committee back at uni. He organised a great night out where we all dressed up as nuns, got hammered, and ended up pinching a cadaver from dissection.’

Flanked by a unit of renal physiologists armed with nunchucks, Dr Gerada dismissed claims that the impromptu coup is a result of doctors not being invited to the Government’s summit on healthcare as they disagree with the plans.

‘We’re all in this together. Andrew Lansley has given us his full support’.